Archive for the ‘Crazy’ Category

A few people have asked me about the conference I’m attending in October.

A blurb from the web site:

ObesityHelp.com was founded in 1998 as a peer support community to help those faced with life threatening morbid obesity. By June of 1999, the site’s existence has been brought to the attention of clinicians and professionals and the organization was formalized to extend support to patients and clinicians while expanding the scope of its public outreach activities. As of January 2008, over 700,000 people have become members on the ObesityHelp web site seeking help to find a solution to their weight loss problems. Our web site has over 3,000,000 page-views a week from people looking for help.

As a member, the boards had been invaluable to me before, during and after my weight loss surgery. Sneaker Porn Diaries came about as a result of a friendship which developed out of OH (some would argue this has created a monster!!). Through the generous support of my weight loss doctor and others, I have the opportunity to attend an event that not only helped me on my weight loss journey, but also provides continued support and encouragement as I keep going.

I’m hoping to do a little networking, get some swag, and meet some of these crazy bloggers I’ve been following for almost three years (and see if we can Stuff a Bug!).

OH 2013 National Conference Agenda

I had told someone not too long ago I posted this. I finally found it, it’s from February 2012.

Kind of catchy, don’t you think? I should forewarn you, the reader: you may find this post a little unnerving. The title says it all.

I posted the picture which will appear at the end of this blog (no peeking) on a forum some of us are on for those who have had or are considering some form of weight loss surgery. It was in response to a thread about a picture that has been floating around Facebook that “promotes a more realistic view of body imagery” (that’s a quote – thank you Nikki!). I think the picture promotes a view of body imagery from the male photographer’s perspective, or the magazine exec’s, or the editors.

That warped perspective is plastered on every single magazine cover found in the check-out lane at the grocery store, on T.V., on radio. It’s caused significant damage to our self-esteem, and far greater damage to teenagers and young women who feel they have to live up to this stuff….they can’t enjoy life because they’re too busy trying to have the perfect body.

News flash: no body is perfect, and real women don’t look like that.

Anyway, in the thread discussion someone had mentioned they were tempted to take a picture of themselves in a tank top and underwear, but weren’t that brave. I have NO idea what came over me. Emblazoned permanently in cyberspace for like….EVER…. I had responded with: “I’ll do it! I’ll do it tonight after the gym.”

You’re thinking, “Is she inSANE?”

Maybe.

A little impulsive. But you know, real women aren’t airbrushed. Hair…uh-uh. Never looks that good without the aid of a professional (or a great wig). Also, I see real women all the time in the gym – in all shapes, sizes, colors, and clothes – they work their butts off.

So this is the real me. A real sixteen. In my tank top, next to my unmade bed,  and…uh…in my underwear.

I learned a few things today:

  • Suntan lotion is ineffective outside if you miss your ears (oops).
  • Leg lifts on a faux concrete table make the bum hurt.
  • Gloves are helpful if one desires to not have little pebbles crushed into the palms of their hands while dong long armed planks.

Today’s Boot Camp Workout (insert loud “tad-daaaah!” here):

My warm up was a road cycle to the park with a 12lb back pack followed by 1/2 mile brisk walk (twice around the track).

Circuit One Circuit Two Circuit Three
25 Squats x 2 15 Table Squat Thrusts x 3 Jump in Place 45 Seconds x 1
15 Chest Push-Ups x 3 15 Walking Lunges x 3 Run in Place 60 Seconds x 2
25 Step-Ups (small) x 1 20 Leg Lifts x 3 Long Arm Plank 60 Seconds x 3
20 Step-Ups (tall) x 3 Lap the Track x 2 (1/4 Mile)
Lap the Track x 2 (1/2 Mile)

pushupstable

Chest Push Ups
These are modified push-ups that do not involve the knees (aka: “girl push-ups”). You can use a table at home, a park bench, anything that is off the ground. You then plant your hands on the edge of the table or bench about shoulder width apart, and straighten your legs. Your body should be at about a 45 degree angle. Your butt shouldn’t be high in the air, your knees should not be bent (like the faceless guy to the left). Once you are in position, lower yourself down and push yourself up. Do this for 15 reps.

squatthrustTable Squat Thrusts
This is a modified version of squat thrusts. I’m certain someone somewhere has a name for it, but until I’m notified of it, it shall be deemed Table Squat Thrusts. Plant your hands on the the bench of a picnic table (the part you sit on) or the last riser of a bleacher, box, or whatever other object you would like to use. Draw your legs up under you in squat position (you’ll look like you’re going to do a leap frog move). With your hands on the bench, drive your legs back so they are straight and bring them back under you to squat position (this picture here demonstrates how a regular squat thrust is done, just add a table or a bench). You can bring yourself up to standing position or stay in squat position.There is some impact on the knees, so if yours are a little crummy adjust how hard you drive your legs back.

If you have an exercise you’d like to do but your body is saying “NO WAY”, drop a line to spdiaries@gmail.com. We can find a modification for you!

Today’s workout comes from Jillian Michaels’ Slim Down program (apparently that was an Ambien download in April…). I couldn’t do the circuits three times, but I did do:

-Static Lunge w/Reverse Cable Fly: I used a rubber tube and went as low as I could (knee damage). 20x each leg.
-Clock Lunge: Starting the 12 o’clock position, go around the clock. Again, as Low as I could go: 3 revolutions per leg.
-Standing Mountain Climber w/3# DB’s: 20 each side.
-Skaters: These were awkward because my ability to balance while in motion is a little off. 20x each leg.
-Plank Twists: Oh. My. G<>>>. 25x each side.
-Squat Swing w/8# Ball: 20x
-Plank Row w/3# DB’s: 20x each side.
-Mountain Climbers (floor): 60 seconds (almost ate the linoleum!).
-Side Plank: 30 second per side. By this point I had the market cornered on shaking arms.
-Cross Over Lungs w/Hammer Curls 5# DB’s: 25x each side.
-Jumping Jacks: 60 seconds (not quite sixty seconds. I had to stop twice to breathe.).
-Squat Jack: 20x. These were hard, only because I didn’t want to tear up my knees…which are already tore up.
-Oblique side Crunch: Someone had to be laughing their a$$ off watching that. 25x per side.
-Pendulum Lunge w/Hammer Curls 5# DB’s: 25x per leg.
-Hamstring Curls on Exercise Ball: Well…all I can say is I tried. Sloppiest thing I ever did. But I did 15×2.

wallpost2I saved the best for last. Jillian calls this exercise “Shoot ‘Em Up” (she said she couldn’t think of another name). You’re supposed to crouch down, put your hands in front of you, have your feet a couple of inches away from the wall, then shoot your butt up to the ceiling. After, you kick your feet up onto the wall using your quads. Arms stay locked during this exercise. I couldn’t kick my feet up, but I did get them up and did 10 reps. I made the trainer who was in the building take a picture for proof. I’m seriously STOKED!

If you got time to watch all the shows you DVR’d for the past week, cuddle a hangover, eat pancakes, watch cartoons, play video games, catch a movie, have kids to corral or dogs to herd, you got time to workout. I know this to be true…I used to weigh almost 400 pounds.

One day the excuses will run out…or you’ll get tired of the shrill sound of my voice. It’s a lot easier to chase your grandchildren, nieces or nephews, or your own babies when you aren’t tied to a 300 pound brick.

Today I had Boot Camp Solo. I invited 42 people, 1 said “yes”, nobody showed. Yay. 😦

My “gym” of choice was at Butler Elementary in Huntington Woods. A small spot with two baseball fields, short bleachers, a little play park, a track, trees, a water park (I did not go there). It was the perfect morning: sun out, in the high 60’s. Best part was when I rode my bike out into the middle of the baseball field. I didn’t see the sign about no bikes for a good 20 minutes.

Saturday Workout:

Road Cycle: 6.05 miles round trip w/10lb pack (72.2 & 98.4 gains)
Bleachers (run up & down): 25 reps x 5 (125 total)
Push Ups: 25 reps x 5 (125 total)
Squats: 25 reps x 4 (100 total)
Mountain Climbers (I used the bleachers for handles): 60 reps x 4 (240 total)
Track: jogged/walked 4x

According to my little body monitor: I moved 6,797 steps for 3.5 miles (not including the bike ride); I was active for one hour and fifty-six minutes, I was idle for 8 minutes. I burned 2,326 calories | active burn was 1,736 calories | resting burn is 590 calories.

hwpark

huuuuuhI love to share my unexpected moments of shame with the world. Like the day my pants fell down at the gym; or the day I slid seven feet to the floor off a Stair Master (twice); or the day my water bottle fell off the spin bike and exploded on the floor (that was my first spin class…my second was seven months later); or the day I had an all out brawl at Kohl’s in the lingerie (long-er-ay) section with Spanx (you know those were meant to be stepped into, not pulled over like a super big compression wrap?).

So I thought to invite you- the readers of Sneaker Porn Diaries, those who follow, and those who would never admit to following but they do – what’s your silly weight loss story?

The deadline for the Silliest Story…Like…Ever contest is July 15th, 2013. Submit your stories to sneakerporndiaries@yahoo.com using the following format:

Please put “SNP Silly Story Contest” in the subject line of your email.
Please keep your stories to no more than 700 words, check spelling and punctuation.
Be sure to include your before & after picture, and a picture of your favorite pair of sneakers.
Share your starting & current weight, age, city & state where you live.
First names and the first letter of your last name will be shared on the blog if your story is chosen.
If you have a blog, please include the blog address so your journey can be viewed by other readers!

Deadline for submissions is July 15th, 2013. The Silliest Story winners will be announced on July 20th, 2013. And yes, there will be a PRIZE!

Somewhere across the country there’s a secret collective of post-op dairy farmers. They haven’t been clear on their target market, or the cost of their product to consumers when it officially hits store shelves. One thing is clear: confidential sources have revealed they’re milking it for all it is worth.

Ugh.

Piece of advice: if you fell off the post-op salad truck, STOP posting, ‘What do I DO???” all over the internet. If you are a weight loss surgery post op for any length of time (two seconds, two months, two years, two decades), you know what you are supposed to do…unless of course you were hit on the head with fried Twinkies. Then you could be suffering from WLSPOA (weight loss surgery post op amnesia).

To avoid becoming a POW, try the following steps:

1. Talk to someone. You have a primary care doctor, you have a surgeon, you have a nutritionist. If any of these professionals have mysteriously vanished out of your life (alien abduction?)…FIND SOMEONE NEW. If you’re unable to do so then my assumption would be you reside on an island in total solitude, which means you have no access to communications and will not read this anyway.

2. If you know you’re eating habits are bad, and you know you have consumed that which you probably are not supposed to (like a container of crispy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from Trader Joe’s), get over it. It’s summer. You can grow stuff. Even better, you can pay someone who grew it already.

3. If you have the phrase “I can’t afford to” flashing behind your eyelids in reference to item #2, hold your tongue. Chances are incredulously high you have, oh let’s see: all the cable channels, all the movie channels, a smart phone and a big ol’ plan.

I whine to a select few of my friends, none of whom give me one ounce of slack because they’ve been privy to my weight loss changes. I don’t complain online all that often. Usually I will talk to someone who puts me in my place. I also yell at people. Ask my friend Anne. I chased her bum back across the football field at boot camp a few weeks ago for short-cutting the track, later I made her do half leap frogs. My trainer gives me no slack at all-and it has nothing to do my picture he put on his car advertisement. It’s because he remembers when I was the fattest woman in the gym, how my stomach drug the ground during push ups, or how 40lbs made a world of difference in climbing 17 steps.

God, you have so much to celebrate. Don’t be a POW. Don’t focus on the prison and the chains…neither hold you anymore.

If that doesn’t encourage you, get stuck somewhere. I got wedged in that little space there between the bed and nightstand over the weekend to fix the carpet. I hadn’t laughed that hard at myself in a long, long time.

smallspotigotstuckin